1. Roger Chillingworth from The Scarlet Letter (Nathaniel Hawthorne) - What a fucking dick. Here's a thought: MAKE YOUR LIFE ABOUT SOMETHING OTHER THAN REVENGE. Plus, you're ugly. I know your distorted body is supposed to be symbolic, but fuck that. I'm glad you died.
2. Ethan Frome from Ethan Frome (Edith Wharton) - If we punched him, he wouldn't do anything about it. You know why? Because he's a fucking pussy. Grow some BALLS AND MAYBE ZEENA WON'T TUG YOU AROUND BY THE SHORT AND CURLIES.
3. Pip from Great Expectations (Charles Dickens) - You deserved everything you got because you are shallow and narrow-minded. I wish Joe would've punched you in the face so I don't have to.
4. Romeo Montague from Romeo and Juliet (Shakespeare) - Hey, asshole. You knew Juliet for like, two days before you decided it'd be a good idea to marry her. She's 14 or something. You deserved to die. Next time, why don't you try getting to know someone first? PWNED.
5. Charles Bukowski - I spent $20 on one of your books and it sucked. I don't care what people say about you. I don't like you.
6. Amory Blaine from This Side of Paradise (F. Scott Fitzgerald) - Hey! I have an idea. How about you GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS and stop trying to claw your way to the top when no one likes you?
7. Odysseus from The Odyssey (Homer) - QUIT CHEATING ON YOUR WIFE. I DON'T CARE HOW MUCH OF A HARD ASS YOU ARE. YOU GET TWO PUNCHES.
8. Gene Forrester from A Separate Peace (Knowles) - Just because he's better than you doesn't mean you get to break his leg. You lose.
9. Finny from A Separate Peace (Knowles) - Pink tie? I don't care if you died in a freak accident. You get punched too.
10. Curly from Of Mice and Men (Steinbeck) - COME ON. VASELINE?!